Psychological Battle! The Fear of Rejection - Part III
Unless you are a woman well versed at flirting with men and confident of your kissing capabilities (in which case you wouldn't be reading this) you probably hesitate when a man approaches you. You make excuses when he asks you out, or wants to go on a date and then you are scared of the big kiss.
You are scared you won't be able to kiss well. Or your body is in some way not as perfect as you want it to be. Or that you'll goof up or he'll ridicule you or in some way insult or upset you. You are not sure whether to smile and be delighted, at being asked out by someone you like. But that is the reaction you want.
You want to be rid of the feeling of fear and be confident enough when a man approaches you, asks you out and kisses and touches you.
You want to drive him mad with desire and with your kissing expertise.
So, should you kiss on the first date, or let the excitement build?
Should it be a brush of lips, a small peck or a quick in and out?
Should you lead, or let him be the all powerful man?
Will you show him you like it rough and hot, or sweet and gentle?
How soon ... How fast ...
It's all up to you. It's how you handle the situation, set the stage, give your man enough to keep him hungry and yet without the sensation of having being cheated.
Make him think you are hot and yet not cheap, willing but not available. The way you kiss the first time, will set the stage for all that's to follow. But first you have to get over all that holds you back and understand the psychology of fear.
What is Fear ? Where does it come from? How can it affect you?
Fear can be thought of as an emotion that you anticipate (of pain – either emotional or physical—or danger) even before it has happened. Fear lives in our minds and is unseen by anyone else. A fear of anything can grow until it can take over our lives and limit our behavior.
But it is all in our minds. So if we stop to examine it closely and try to decide what exactly we are scared of, the fear itself will diminish and we can come up with a solution to the problem that caused the fear in the first place.
For example a girl who has a fear of rejection may hesitate when approached by a man and may perceive the slightest thing as a rebuff: whereas that may not be the case.
So if in your mind, you have a fear of rejection and when a man you are with says something that isn't totally positive, you perceive that to be as proof of further rejection. So now the next time there is an opportunity to talk to another man, the fear of rejection will be stronger and will color the way you'll act and speak.
And on and on, till the circle gets tighter and more vicious ... and you begin a mental and then physical retreat when it is time to go out on a date.
A very common symptom of this fear, is the self-destructive streak that accompanies a lack of confidence. A lot of woman who are
scared of being with a man, especially an attractive man, will sabotage their own chances of success by behaving or acting in a
To the extent that some women will consciously or unconsciously do something like flirting and even kissing his best friend or act like a classic bitch, which is always an option.
So why do women do it. Why pretend to be hard and tough as nails, when they are not. Because opening yourself up and being the
person you are, leaves you vulnerable to hurt. So it is easier to pretend and be tough.
Easier not to care! Easier to kiss casually, or even not to kiss!
Certainly far easier than to kiss and care, to like and love! For a lot of women, this veneer of self destructiveness covers a great
desire to be liked and an even greater fear that rules by saying that you aren't liked.
However there is a way out of it and all it needs is for you to change your thinking and eliminate all destructive thoughts that lead to fear.
Eliminating Destructive Thoughts
How often have athletes spoken of imagining victory and then having it come true?
Can you imagine if you were to ask an athlete before a big event what his or her mind set was and she answered by saying 'Well, I expect to come last and lose and be humiliated and shamed by the crowd and my colleagues'!!!!!
Think how strange that would sound. And what would be your original reaction on hearing that ... your reaction would be, then why
are you entering the race if you are so sure you are going to lose. If you are so sure you are going to lose then you will lose. Aah! See how clear it is when it is someone else who has these thoughts. And yet what do we do... Let's come back to our girl who has a fear of rejection.
Before a man comes near her, she knows how he will react. She can imagine him getting bored and disgusted, and walking off with a dismissive nod or a vague smile.
So what does she do, when approached by the man she wants to go out with. She sets her mindset to 'Fear of Rejection' and physically tenses up in expectation and that is exactly what she gets. The human mind as everyone repeatedly says, is a wondrous thing. If you program it for success it will succeed. If you program it for failure, it will deliver that too.
So the first step you have to take is stop thinking things like:
I am not beautiful.
I don't have a great figure.
My buns are too fat.
I am not witty or whatever.
You don't need any of this to go out with a man.
Next, chuck out all those thoughts that say:
I am sure he wouldn't talk to me.
He'll think I'm stupid.
He'll make fun of me.
He won't find me interesting.
You know the rest...
Try this mental exercise (takes about two minutes). Before going to sleep at night, lie on your bed at night and imagine a big high wall ahead of you. It's a nice big wall like the ones you might have in a prison (because aren't your thoughts keeping you a prisoner too).
Now take every scrap of negative thought and chuck it over the wall. See them go. Every negative thought you ever had will transform itself into a bundle and will fly over the wall to disappear forever.
Okay here goes:
I am not beautiful.
I am not good looking.
I am not rich.
I don't have a fabulous car, job, whatever.
I am shy...
Okay stop there a moment. We didn't have shy before. But when you were doing the exercise, a hidden fear (I am shy) popped out of your mind and made it's way over the wall ... and you are surprised to find how big the bundle is; which is directly related to how much the problem was (consciously or not) bothering you ...
Chuck all your fears over the wall and set yourself free. In fact you can use this exercise to get rid of anything that is bothering you .. quite often you'll be surprised to find that problems which you thought were almost non existent, are huge in your mind; whereas
others don't really bother you all that much.
Now the next time a man comes up to you, you won't go, 'I am not rich ... I don't have this or that... He'll laugh at me...' because
these thoughts will be out of your mind for all time.